For the security of knowing I'm on an even keel, I seem doomed to sacrifice the pieces of me that make me exactly who I really am.
Uh, did that actually make any sense to anyone but me?
I should probably elaborate....
One of the medications used to treat bipolar disorder is called Trileptal. "On-label," it is an anti-epileptic. "Off-label," it is used widely to treat bipolar disorder. (I'm guessing most of you who read this know I'm a certified wacko, but for those of you who don't, I am considered bipolar II.)
Let me reiterate from previous posts...I DO NOT think I can fly, I DO NOT think I am someone else, I DO NOT hear voices in my head (well, maybe just a few...) I DO have a lot of emotional bungee cording that is frustrating and a lot of chaos in my mind that makes my type A personality SO MUCH worse as I try to offset the chaos in my mind with order in my environment...
To get to the point, I take Trileptal. It makes me a little more sane, a lot less fun, a lot less creative and a whole lot less able to write "easily."
I have always loved to write. It just kind of makes me a little more normal, a little more grounded and a lot more relaxed.
Well, I just can't do it very well anymore. I struggle all the time to just get a few sentences, let alone a full on post on a weekly basis like I used to.
Next point...last doc appt, as I complained once again to my shrink about my inability to "be me," i.e. write, be creative, think outside the box...He finally informed about something known as "cognitive dulling." Apparently, it's a phenomenon experienced by many patients on these types of meds. Needless to say...it explained a lot.
Last point. I find it extraordinarily annoying, disheartening and altogether a pain in my **s.
So, what to do, what to do?
And the praying begins.
Can you say some for me too? The writer in me would sure appreciate it. :-)
clan mac mama