I should probably not homeschool...

or parent...or do anything at all.

when. my. husband. is. deployed.

I should hole up in a cabin somewhere in the woods, far far away from all other living things that I could possibly damage with my own mental mud while my life is upside down.

I read an amazing post tonight...www.goodmorningvietmom.com

I cried.

I smiled.

I laughed.

And I realized, with a clarity I haven't experienced in, well, a ridiculously long time, that this woman knew exactly how I feel. How I will feel when Charles is finally here...10 more trash days from now.

She knows that I feel not like 2 parents, but only like 1/2 of one. Because when one is gone...the one who is left is not really there either. The one who is there is...

exhausted.

checked out.

emotionally bereft.

doubting every choice.

second guessing every word uttered.

guilt ridden for yelling.

wrung out from crying over the guilt.

also...

so attached to my children that I hate being away from them, but desperately crave just a few moments of calm...

and when I get the calm, my heart is so full, so joyous. I want it to go on forever and wish with all of my soul that I could capture the joy and replay it over and over for the one who is missing it.

humbled when my sweet almost 3 year old stops me in my yelling tracks to tell me she loves me and gives me a kiss.

humbled when my friend, the temporarily single mother of a special needs child (who gives of her time and heart to my twins every single week for several hours...) tells me what a great job I am doing.

grateful when my friends (really, they are my family) come over for dinner or invite my motley crew over to destroy their homes and screw up their kids bedtimes, just to fill my heart and my kids' souls with some extra love.

rejuvenated when I'm surrounded by amazing women who all struggle too, but still share their hearts and faith with me.

tired, so tired, because I just can't bring myself to go to bed without my other half.

so thankful when a sweet friend who has so much on her own plate helps with my many littles and gives my bigs an afternoon of unfettered fun and a bit of learning too...

filled with laughter when my equally beleaguered friend and I decide we should star in a new TLC series titled "Poop Wars..."

thankful for the neighbors who have become family and always come to my rescue at a moment's notice...

appreciative, with every fiber of my being for my family. For the time they take to travel, to help, to support and to lift us all up. It is not always easy or fun, but they are here every chance they get. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You!!

finally....so blessed to be a part of this community of amazing Christian people. What WOULD I do without the blessings God has rained down. Here. In this place.

Well, I guess I probably should homeschool and do all the other things God called me to do...since He has a much better plan than I could ever dream of. If I'd just get out of His way, He'd have the chance to do great things in my life.

He says...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I know, with my heart, that this too shall pass. I know that my kids are great. I know that I am blessed. I also know that I am stubborn, strong willed, impatient, cranky and moody. I just hope that isn't what my kids remember. I hope this deployment fades away into the recesses of their memories, overcome by the times that are, were and will be, amazing.

So...to steal a phrase from our coins and use it for my own selfish purposes...

In GOD I Trust.

Do You?

with love,

clan mac mama